Today, I am nostalgic.
I asked him to pick me up.
“I want to drink wine and dance,” I said.
I didn’t mean for it to feel like a date, hating that the end is coming.
I ate beforehand. His invitation to feed me dinner was too much. It was more intimacy, which I was trying to avoid but so desperately wanted.
We drove up to the concert at an outdoor venue. This was set to be my last concert with him, and with some of my favourite girls before I would leave Botswana.
I was feeling all pretty and carefree in my borrowed hoop earrings.
He reminds me how the last time at this venue, I blew him off. It was because I was with another man. Knowing what I know now? I wish I would’ve noticed him sooner and never looked back.
The main act comes on stage, and we start dancing.
I pretend not to want to take his hand. Rather, I focus on the moment, dancing with friends I will sorely miss.
Tonight, I go out with new friends to bring in the Chinese New Year. New friends, new year, fresh focus. And yeah, there might be more wine and dancing too.
I’m finding the contentedness of a person who is finally finding her footing. I’m realizing that I may cry because it is cold (word from the wise: tears streaming down your face only makes you colder), but I’m focusing on those moments that are wonderful. Like finding a wine store across the street, or walking to work in 15 minutes, creating an inviting home with a wonderful roommate (of whom I met online), or buying winter boots that make the snow less scary…
But just when you think life feels all sorted… love gets in the way, or maybe it was like; regardless it happened (retrospectively) in the best kind of way. This evening, I read this, and it just felt right:
Sometimes the rug getting ripped out from underneath you is the best thing that can happen to you. It keeps you grounded. It makes you appreciate what you have. It also gives you a heavy dose of humility. So if I had one piece of advice, it’s to love as hard as you can. Give today everything you have. It’s better to feel worn out at the end of the day from being the best person you possibly could have been than calling in for a mediocre day – via The Better Man Project
And so, with humility of someone who has had my fair share of rugs getting ripped out from under me: I come at life giving everything I have. I’m shaking off mediocrity and finding the pure joy in, well, this life I have created.
The everyday is great like that.
I ordered a glass of white wine at lunch – “I am unemployed!” was my response to the raised eyebrow. He said he couldn’t join me – “you know, because I have to work…”
Aaah, yes, that beautiful moment where it feels like the world is at my feet. I can choose to do anything (I guess until the money runs out). But I can’t wait to really choose what the next steps are. Full of freedom – I can move anywhere, and not just survive, but thrive.
So, I will recover from what feels like a really long few years.
And then? Find out what’s next, and fall headlong into life once more.
there’s an inexplicable shift when you finally make decisions. it’s a freedom i couldn’t even fathom a few months ago.
i am living in the moment.
no pressure, no expectations. just being present, because right now, in this second, it’s perfect.
there’s something so innately wonderful feeling drawn into just being. and so i fill my days with the smallest of victories; where I am experiencing pleasure.
a yoga class. coffee and a health muffin. a man telling me I am beautiful. underlining in a book. twinkle lights in a garden. wearing a bright pink skirt that blows in the wind. beautiful ruminations that allow me the courage to act on dreams. and girlfriends who surround me with swapping clothes, kind words and wine.
so today. this moment. and Rumi:
“let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. it will not lead you astray.”