On some level I feel like I made this decision to leave my life in Botswana without my consent. Like there was nothing else I could do.
And so I come back to Canada, feeling more than a little broken.
But in true form Florence works her magic and these lyrics:
“And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around.” (listen here to Florence and the Machine – Shake It Out)
I feel that so much right now. Like it won’t be able to get ‘me’ back from the past.
More dual thinking. I feel suffocated by the hurt from the past, but there are glimmers of hope that I grasp onto.
N said this to me, “your past isn’t important, it’s who you are now”.
I can’t get that out of my head.
It’s ringing in my ears.
It gives me hope.
I do want to shake it out, move ahead, and keep the parts of me that truly matter. That yes, my past has shaped me today, but I don’t need to carry it around, burdened by it anymore. I will ‘Shake It Out’ and take it in on as my new mantra when the past rears its ugly head.