Another text. Yet another man calling me childish. Another man who was lying brought back waves of remembrances from one I really loved. More than a year ago I found myself searching deeply for honesty.
I trusted, believed – hook line and sinker. I was told I was the manipulator, the one who clearly knew everything. I realise I am not always a victim. Let’s not say that, but I wonder…. and wish I hadn’t been so naive.
I had so many dreams, to learn, to be a part of something.
I yearned to grow.
That’s the positive, I guess, I have grown a lot. But I am still surprised at how it all unfolded. No, not just surprised but shocked. Totally shell-shocked.
Being called childish is something I can take in stride. I get that. Hell, I feel that way myself at times.
And there I allowed him to call me names, demean me, forcing “respect” like it’s something he deserved. When I was striving to become a part of the lie, I put myself under him. Walked behind him and agreed with what he said, all the while smothering my own ideals.
The irony in all of this? Those are the times when I was actually being a child.
I wanted him more than life itself, but I wanted the lie he was weaving more than his actuality. I was a girl in love with a hustler. A girl in love with someone who never really loved me, a man, I dare say, who doesn’t even know how to love. Regardless, only until his ways were exposed could I summon up the courage to be the woman I needed to be.
And so, I mourn. For the loss of something I can never get back. I will strive to move forward, no, I am moving forward.
How do I know? Because, now I can say thank you. To all the men that I allowed to treat me badly: I am no longer so naive.
It is inevitable, to get hurt, to be so trusting that I am blindsided by the assholes. I tell myself: look further and trust your instincts.
Love yourself more than he ever could.
And so the text that told me I was immature, I can take it. Because I know that a real woman demands the truth, demands integrity. I am a woman deserving of a man of character. Full stop.