The dark doesn’t envelop me softly anymore.

The panic attacks began again last night. I thought I was free. My morning meditations have created space and light – where there was fear. Its been two months.

Two months of fighting for control. But still.

The dark doesn’t envelop me softly anymore.

Now, I shiver in fear. Every noise a warning signal for danger. The darkness is a heavy cloak, threatening to suffocate.

Tears are streaming down my face, I turn into a parking lot. Load shedding ensures that my commute home is darker than usual. The brights of my car don’t cut the darkness, as if in a fog.

I frantically search my mind for logic. Why now? What was the trigger?

It dawns on me even in my frantic state: I just signed a lease to start fresh. To live alone again, but this time in a new neighborhood. Safer.

But still this fear of being alone takes root. What if they come again? What if those men break into this house. And I still cannot fight them off. Images of that night, images I wish I could forget. This time, it’s a silent movie running through my soul. It used to be a full affront – noises and smells.

The “what ifs” are paralyzing. The fear is choking.

I acknowledge it, “I am scared”.

But today is move in day. And I am choosing excitement. My emotions do not control me…. or so I am constantly telling myself.

It will come, I am allowing myself time.

Every day is a new beginning, hell, sometimes every minute, I must choose to leave those fears behind me.

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4 comments

  1. Quinn Barreth

    I hope your experience has been going well in the new place. It is hard for us to understand how visceral and consuming fear can be, especially in a place where safety is not ‘guaranteed’ like in NA. You remain in our thoughts and prayers.

    • Sheila

      Thank you Quinn! the new place has blessed me with feeling of safety. Its a small studio flat that is attached to another house. I express gratitude at the sounds of screaming children, I am not alone. And the wafts of curry and saffron aren’t too bad either! I am starting to find peace.

  2. Pingback: dwell in possibility « Living in Africa

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