The panic attacks began again last night. I thought I was free. My morning meditations have created space and light – where there was fear. Its been two months.
Two months of fighting for control. But still.
The dark doesn’t envelop me softly anymore.
Now, I shiver in fear. Every noise a warning signal for danger. The darkness is a heavy cloak, threatening to suffocate.
Tears are streaming down my face, I turn into a parking lot. Load shedding ensures that my commute home is darker than usual. The brights of my car don’t cut the darkness, as if in a fog.
I frantically search my mind for logic. Why now? What was the trigger?
It dawns on me even in my frantic state: I just signed a lease to start fresh. To live alone again, but this time in a new neighborhood. Safer.
But still this fear of being alone takes root. What if they come again? What if those men break into this house. And I still cannot fight them off. Images of that night, images I wish I could forget. This time, it’s a silent movie running through my soul. It used to be a full affront – noises and smells.
The “what ifs” are paralyzing. The fear is choking.
I acknowledge it, “I am scared”.
But today is move in day. And I am choosing excitement. My emotions do not control me…. or so I am constantly telling myself.
It will come, I am allowing myself time.
Every day is a new beginning, hell, sometimes every minute, I must choose to leave those fears behind me.